I'm Confused, Therefore I Am

by Carlton Egremont III

My editor, Gary Swanberg, has been taking authorship credit for my book "Mr. Bunny's Guide to ActiveX", publicly claiming that I do not exist. [Editor's note: he doesn't.] I wish to address his claims.

First, Swanberg could not possibly have written the ActiveX book. He knows nothing about raising rabbits, and very little about animal husbandry in general. Sure, he can program a computer, but bunnies, particularly talking bunnies, are completely beyond him. In fact, he tried to cut Mr. Bunny from the book entirely. "Rabbits can't talk," he said. "They use telepathy to put thoughts into our heads. Why do you think their ears are so big?" Does that sound like the author of a talking rabbit book? Everyone knows rabbits use telepathy, but what kind of a book would it be with Mr. Bunny waving his ears around all the time thinking things at Farmer Jake? Mr. Bunny thought this, Mr. Bunny thought that...how would the reader know if Farmer Jake could hear Mr. Bunny thinking? It would be like Garfield the cat, always saying things in those thought balloons - but can anyone hear him? You just never know.

So I took some artistic license and gave Mr. Bunny a voice. So what? Is this any reason to accuse me of not existing?

And speaking of voices, Swanberg's claim that I do not exist really stings on a personal level. After all those times I helped him cheat in school - whispering the answers in his ear when no one else could see me, using different voices all the time so he wouldn't need to thank me for telling him who was out to get him and who had hidden the secret radio transmitter in his jockey shorts - after all I've done for him, why would he attempt to erase the fact of my existence?  I can only conclude one thing: heavy medication.

Indeed, Swanberg has sown the seeds of doubt in my own mind.  Do I exist or not? If I don't exist, who is writing these words? If I do exist, how come I never get a cable bill?

But one simple axiom has assuaged all my doubts: I'm confused, therefore I am. Now I can sleep at night, knowing that if I don't wake up in the morning, I'll probably wake up in the afternoon.


home